12th Baby Pregnancy: All the Emotions, the Feels, the Joy, the Panic

Pregnancy week 13.

It’s 6:30 am as I sit here sipping hot Peppermint Tea, exceptionally quiet here this early in the morning, especially after an evening spent kayaking.  I’m learning to enjoy waking early to get some peace and time to reflect as the majority of the kids tend to be night owls rather than morning people, Elly especially.  Free time to pray, reflect, meditate is becoming more and more of a rarity as I am feeling the need to go to bed earlier and earlier and the kids are staying up later and later bc of daylight savings time.

I’m fervently waving goodbye to this baby’s first trimester!!  Can you believe it?  I literally awoke on Wednesday (the day I turned 13 weeks) expecting a magic switch to have jolted me into the sex crazed, energy laden, second tri chick I have always been and always adored.  Here it is Friday, Friday people, and still nothing!  I’m still tired, tired in a “I really can’t drag myself off the couch” kinda way.  I’m still stuck eating disgusting food, and drinking Ginger Ale by the case load.

Around week 7 I started to get exceptionally nauseous, literally almost throwing up a few times.  I couldn’t stomach RAW foods any longer, the thought of fresh Graperfruit Juice turned my stomach, fresh veggies, forget about it.  I was craving meat smothered in cheese.  Weird because I’m a RAW foodie, I love juicing and dehydrating and Smoothies. But this baby wants meat and cheese, so meat and cheese it was.

Fast forward to today and well, I’m sad. You see, I’m not as nauseous because, well, we believe I lost a twin. I was bleeding (TMI?) and went to the Dr because I was afraid I was having a miscarriage. The doctors didn’t give me much information, and my emotions were too out there for me to really ask questions, but they said, the second baby didn’t grow, or thrive or that I miscarried, they couldn’t say for sure.

Truth be told, I’m struggling with this.  I’m not sure how to feel.  I felt at once grief and relief at the fact that I did had a baby who was living and thriving within my womb.  But at the same time, there was another baby who by 9 weeks was being expelled from my body.  What does that mean? I’m at once terribly sad, and at he same time, incredibly thankful, which in turn makes me feel guilty. I’ve never been here before, new waters, new worries, new fears … one day at a time, I suppose.

These days, all I want to eat is Pepperoni Pizza, ooey gooey pepperoni pizza!  Mmmm.  The cheese must be hot and melted and the Pepperoni must be crisp on the sides.  No-other meat, veggie, fruit, nothing is permitted to reside on my piece of pizza.  I eat pizza everyday, drink ginger ale and down my Pre-Natal Vitamins, which I loved during Lent because they are gummy vits covered in sugar, but now they are repulsive.  The end result of this diet is that the scale and I are not on speaking terms, in fact I may have broken it when I threw it at the ground.  This could get ugly if I don’t get my mojo back, get into the river, get moving in my running shoes and start eating some healthy foods.  However,one of the wonderful things about being pregnant is it’s truly magnificent, obviously, but also … the bigger your stomach gets, the smaller the rest of you seems.

I’ve also begun the obsession of seeking a dr who will do a vbac after 2 C-sections! Both exciting and scary.  My previous dr told me I’d never find anyone in the entire US who would do this, but I have an appt May 11 with a Dr a mere 1.5 hours away who makes the decision on a case by case basis!  Those of you who followed us back in 2010 when I was pregnant with Elly will know the agony, not an overly dramatic word in this case, I put myself through regarding VBAC.  I had a dr who seemed somewhat ok with the idea.However, the hospital had a 100% zero tolerance policy for vbac’s.  So, the scenario I was looking at was that I could not arrive at the hospital before I was actively in the final stages of labor and as she put it, I had to demand my Dr perform a vbac. She said I’d have to sign my life (and that of my baby’s) away with a gazillion forms and she wouldn’t be able to really stand up for me except to say, I must do what my patient wants me to do. This sounded fine at 6 months, but at 8.5 months, I was freaked, especially when she told me that if a problem did arise there was a 99% chance the hospital would not be able to save the baby. They simply were not equipped. That was unacceptable, so I threw in the towel and had a repeat C, and it was just as glorious and amazing as any other birth I’ve experienced. Nothing can sour the beauty of a new life, of seeing your new baby for the first time. Birth alters the world, it makes everything perfect.  This is the feeling I’m addicted to.

As I acknowledged, C-section’s are not the end of the world, people. They aren’t terribly painful, you can get up within the first 5-6 hours and walk around and you can see your baby immediately after. They are quick, almost instant gratification and no pain/pushing during labor. My only reason for craving a vbac is the excitement, the unknowing of when your baby will be born. With a C-section, the due date is planned, and I’m not a planner, planning goes against my grain! Hence, I enjoy the chaos of the inevitable, is this labor?  Is THIS labor and I’m truly one of those freaks that loves being in labor, the anticipation is out of this world!

And talking about obsession, I’m obsessed with baby names.  This is a fun obsession, for me!  For friends and family, sorry if I speak of nothing other than baby girl names.  We have a boys name should we be blessed with a boy, the middle name is up in the air, but we do have the First Name, and no, I’m not telling you!  The girls name is quite a different story.  We are in trouble should God choose to bless us with a baby girl, primarily because we have perameters. The name must be 3-syllables and end in “n”.   I love the name Gianna (St. Gianna Beretta the Patron Saint of Life and the St I prayed fervently to when I thought I was miscarrying), and this will be our baby’s middle name should we have a girl.  But that’s where it ends.  I’ll give you an idea of how desperate I feel, here’s a list of names that struck me as possibilities when I first heard them:  Maelen, Adelyn, Gabriellen, Hadrien, Evangeline, Briallen (I still like this one), Rhiannon, Belen, Arielyn (pretty still), Cymbelin, Magdalen, Gwendolyn, Eadlen, Elowyn (love the nickname Winny).  Pretty stinking desperate!  We will definitely take suggestions, but it’s gotta sound good with Gianna.

So that’s where we are (I am).  I don’t rush pregnancy, I absolutely love being pregnant as I would expect one would have to in order to be pregnant for the 12th time! That, too, blows my mind.  I am going to have 1 dozen children. 18 years ago, who would have ever thought?  Who would have thought that the  college drop-out and his stay-at-home wife could make a go at a life and make it such a fantastic, amazing,  joyous, adventurous and blessed life at that?  Love does make the world go around. It is the sustenance for life.

God Bless, have a wonderful fun-filled weekend!!

Here is the video of our 12th BABY being born!!!

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  1. Pingback: Pam
  2. says: Chris Booth

    I hope all is well for you and your family. Hope you get to felling better. And hope the preganancy goes smoothly.

  3. says: Clara

    Wow, you are a totally awesome family. I’m pregnant as well, can you do a blog on the things you think are absolutely necessary for baby for the first 6 months? I would love love love to know what your thoughts are! Thanks!!

    1. says: susie

      I will definitely do a baby essentials, Living Simple blog in honor of Earth Day … thanks for the idea!!! :)) And thanks for the kind words. Many Blessing for you and your baby and family!! 🙂

  4. says: Elizabeth

    Oh, congratulations, that is so exciting. I’m sorry to hear about your loss, but understand your desire to focus on the positive and be grateful. You are a lovely person. I agree with Clara, would love to see your list of essentials, because we are expecting and due in September. God Bless.

  5. says: Susan

    You know my LOVE for the name Belen, but only 2 syllables…Also LOVE Adelyn (was Tenleys middle for a week!) And it goes beautifully with Gianna!!

    1. says: susie

      Really leaning toward Vivian, only concern is that it’s gonna get super popular?!?!?!? I can’t believe all the name suggestions I’m getting, there’s even one that literally means 12th born child!! 🙂

  6. says: Michelle

    I am with you all the way on the crappy food diet when pregnant. I am a vegan, no dairy, no meat, right? All I could stomach was meat slathered with cheese, I was repulsed eating it, but would have starved had I not. God’s way of making me eat protein? Then after the middle of the second trimester All I could eat was shrimp on the barbie. Blech! I love being pregnant too and I gained 55 lbs but within 8 months was back to 119. God Bless!

  7. says: Alicia

    Baby names are my favorite obsession and I’m not even pregnant! It’s awesome. 3-syllables. OK, how about: Lilian, Ameline, Nicolene, Julianne, I love Briallen, Vivian, Oriane, Aralyn, Arianne, Christiane, Tatian, Angeline, Addison, Adeline, Cameron, Camryn, Rosalin, Jacquelyn, Adrianne, Carolyn, Gillian, Emerson, Jocelyn, and Allison? If you want more, I’ve got so many I could write my own book.

  8. says: Meredith

    Hi…loved the blog. FYI the French word for dozen is Douzaine… Girl baby names that come to mind, other than Mallory which I love (Love names starting with “M” like mine)… are: Addison, Eden (only 2 syllables), Suzanne (not my favorite) … I’ll keep thinking …
    Hope that gives you some food for thought! God bless!

  9. says: Lisette

    How about Epiphany? Twelve Days of Christmas, 12th baby? Or a way to tie in zen (do-zen)? I always craved the normal things, ice cream, pickles and I too gained an outrageous amount of weight, but lost it all within the first year. You look amazing, and not amazing for have 12 kids, but plain old amazing! Love you.

  10. says: Sarah

    Oh the food cravings, I craved weird things like cream cheese on apples and peanut butter on everything. Isn’t that just so funny how your body reacts to being pregnant? You are such an amazing family. I enjoy watching all your videos. God Bless you all.

  11. says: Kris

    Adeben means 12th born child in Ghana. Or midnight, or noon (just kidding). I like the name you were throwing around last pregnancy, Bevin (only 2 syllables, but so pretty) i wrote it down for my own to use maybe. and cymbeline is beautiful, you probably know this but it’s the name of a shakespeare play. Aveline, and I adore Viviene, Vivi, Viv which you also had last time. I can see how difficult this must be, your other children’s names are some of my alltime favorite, they are different, but not weird different, not like you were trying too hard, you know. Vivene Gianna sounds stunning. Like silver screen worthy.

    1. says: dan

      Wow, thanks. You know we’ve been holding on very tight to Vivian (Bebhinn) because I love love LOVE the name. My only holdout is that is probably going to get very popular … ???? But you are right, it does sound fantastic with Gianna!!

  12. says: Karen

    I pray your pregnancy goes smoothly, you are a wonderful mother and I would love to meet you and your family one day, you are such an inspiration. I hope you write a baby essentials blog because I’d be so interested in what a seasoned mom deems worth of her hard earned money. Have a blessed weekend.

  13. says: Cassi

    You are a really good writer, I felt like I was right there with you on your early morning meditation. I have to tell you, I’m a big time population control activist, not just believer, but activist, however, seeing your family makes me smile and now that there are some really good people left who value the right things. Good karma is coming your way.

  14. says: Nikki

    OOhhhh let’s talk names. I love talking baby names. My one pet peeve, when someone takes a name and spells it all wacky to try to be different. Drives me nuts. My fave name right now? Lakelyn. Gorgeous. I was trying to think of River names for you guys. I’ll get back to you! haha

  15. says: Cici

    I had cravings for none other than nachos, day in and day out nachos, I gained 12 lbs, but I’m close to 230 lbs so I’m a big girl. Looking forward to more blogs about your progress and hoping you have a great pregnancy.

    1. says: Veronica

      My daughter is Dulcinea..have not met anyone else that has that name. Sue One name I did not see listed and maybe I just missed it..is Sharilain. I like Vivian that was one of my favorite people growing up. Norine is a good one, that was my aunts name, she passed away two years ago this summer from brain cancer.

        1. says: Veronica

          Puppy is keeping me busy. We are having some ankle nipping issues we need to figure out how to deal with. He is great. i just posted a new pic of him on FB He is 8 weeks almost 9 weeks.

  16. says: Cindy

    Oh my gosh, 12 kids, amazing. And you all are so much more fun than the other people on TV with big families. You should look to get on TV.

  17. says: Alexis

    Oh, my goodness. Congratulations are in order? I’ve been so wrapped up in work I haven’t watched YouTube lately. I’m so happy for you – this is one lucky baby!

  18. says: Celine

    Congratulations! I wish I enjoyed being pregnant, but both of mine were horrible, I might have had more kids were it not for being pregnant! LOL

  19. says: Rannveig

    I think it is OK to feel sad and happy at the same time, it is conflicting but normal considering the circumstances. I can’t say I know how you feel but give yourself time to mourn that baby.
    I hope you get your wish to do a VBAC and I know you will rock it no matter what 🙂
    P.s. I love reading your blog posts, like someone wrote earlier, it is like I am there with you.
    Take care! <3

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