Today is Saturday and with Saturday comes the obligatory Sacracastic Saturday memes, posts and blogs. Here’s my entry into the Sarcastic Saturday vault. All writings are based on the hypothesis that sarcasm is understood by the masses …
We have more than the average 1.8 kids, we have wayyyy more than 1.8 kids, we have 12 of these rascals!
And it’s crazy because I don’t even know where they all came from. I mean, one year we had one. And the next we had two, and like every year after that … another kid.
It’s cool though, cuz we never have to watch our kids, our older kids do this for us. Right now, I have three kids on me, but that’s just because they probably mistook me for their older sisters and that NEVER happens.
Having 12 kids is kind of a joke, it’s like having zero kids, except like 12 more. They pretty much take care of themselves and they are super quiet and never fight.
I’m also a Stay-at-Home mom, which is even more of a joke than having 12 kids. I am all caught up on my shows, I go to the gym, yoga, get my nails done and look like a Super Model. It’s awesome. I’ve got one heck of a scam going here!
I don’t even have to do any chores. I just ask the kids to do them for me, cuz like I have things to do (see the above paragraph). And this is great because kids make huge messes, especially, like 12 of them!
And then, the icing on the cake … we get tax breaks for these hooligans!
Well, like in theory we get tax breaks, but the tax code is like corrupt and shit, so we keep paying the government year after year. But it’ll be fixed, just like Obama said, yo. And then the tax breaks will come a rollin in.
And you know with all the govt handouts to large families, Dan doesn’t have to work too hard to feed, shelter, clothe and educate our mob of young uns.. Just 40 hr work weeks and as many freelance jobs as he can line up.
Being a family of 14 has it’s great moments, like comedic highs of mass proportions. We love to go to even the most mundane of places, like the grocery store. We literally stop traffic. People stop and stare like we are the Pope or something. And then they start counting.
We immediately start dancing around to mess up their counts, or one of us will start throwing out numbers … “8, 6, 4, 9” you know, to mess em up.
But the real fun begins with all the questions. It’s usually our fun at the questioners expense, but we think that’s totally unfair because we’ve had so many years of practice that the poor unassuming individual asks the same invasive questions as every other poor unassuming intrusive person before him (or her).
My favorite is, “Do you all go outside the marriage for some sexual pleasure/” disguised as, “Are they all yours?” or
“How much sex do you have?” disguised as, “You know what causes that right?”
We’ve decided it’s time to turn the table on large families, because, like i said, they are holding all the cards.
So the next time you are out and about and need a really great laugh, just find your nearest big family and say one of these absolutely hysterical phrases and the giggles and snorts will stay with you for hours!
- You have 12 kids? For real? 12?
- I think I saw him on a milk carton.
- What kind of medication are you on?
- Forget about college!
- 5 girls? That’s 5 freakin weddings!
- Do you work?
- You must be damn good in the bedroom.
- Have you Heard of Overpopulation?
- Two Words: Carbon Tax
- How big is your house?
- You know what causes that?
- Trying to Catch up to the Duggars?
- You should have your own reality show.
- Do you know all their names?
There are more, I know there are more, but I can’t for the life of me think because one of those kids, is trying to tell me something cute one of the kittens did.
Where the heck are the older people? I have a nail appointment in 20 … years.