So there is a present under the Poinsettia in the RV. We did Christmas in CO in a home … we are doing 12th night in the RV. For those of you that don’t know what 12th night is – it’s the eve of the Epiphany, when the Wise Men (called so because they are the first men in history who asked for directions) payed homage to the baby Jesus and offered Him their gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh. On 12th Night, Santa returns and brings presents. This particular 12th Night he brought one present for the kids to all share – Santa is flat broke from an overindulgent Christmas and so he is taking it easy on his wallet for this last day of the Christmas season.
And he feels a little guilty. More than a little actually. And because of this guilt, I was up reading cheesy celebrity gossip in OK! magazine until I started stressing about shots for the kids and ObamaCare and how it destroyed our (meaning just our little family) entire financial picture. Now I pay $200 per Dr. visit per young child, plus another $400 or so in shots. It’s extremely frustrating to think we (Dan) busts his butt for his family and we’ve had insurance for the past 20 years of our marriage, never once faltering, until now.
Then I started stressing about breast cancer, I have no idea why, which then led to hyperventilating about melanoma and a mole that appeared several years ago and how it looks different and … I couldn’t take it anymore, I got up and measured it. Smaller than a pencil eraser, thank goodness, but I couldn’t stop myself. I just had to read on WebMD about melanoma. I’m now thoroughly sure of the fact that I’m dying, but not just from melanoma. From stomach cancer as well. And I also have some of the symptoms of bi-polar disease! Of course, we are heading to Tampa, FL and am nowhere near a Dr. that I can visit, so we’ll have to wait until the end of Jan to know for sure if and what I do need help with.
Then the end of January thoughts rushed in and I started thinking about Orthodontics for Kady & Kenny and drivers licences for Kady & Brody and H1N1 and the bird flu and how there was some poor guy in FL (where we are heading to) who contracted a flesh eating bacteria from the ocean and died within a 5-day span. And now, my head is going to explode. My heart is beating so fast and the breaths are hard to come by. This is a full-on panic attack. Because … ???
Nights are my nemesis. I can’t turn off my brain. I’m a mom. I worry. I worry about the plausible and the implausible. I worry so much that I feel sick. But God uses everything to make good, and this is no exception.
It’s times like this that I am reminded of how blessed I am, we are. We are healthy, strong, happy, and resilient. I start feeling angry or sad or guilty because my children received one gift to share on 12th Night and those thoughts churn into something ugly and then something beautiful … something feeling much like pure unadulterated gratitude. I wouldn’t give my life, our life, up for anything. I don’t want real problems. I can handle little financial hiccups. I can handle little strife’s, like the RV breakdown in Houston or the financial burden of taking healthy children to the Dr.
Thank you God for these little sufferings, they bring me closer to you, they allow me to join you on the cross and they bring clarity to my abundant life. I offer up every single one of my concerns tonight, every second of stress on behalf of the souls in Purgatory and for those who are suffering from cancer and/or any other serious, life threatening illness. Thank you for my health and the health of the 13 people I love more than life itself! And thank you for the knowledge that our days are numbered and that more than anything I want to love and create memories with my family.
Author’s Note: Please do me one favor and don’t comment saying I should really get that mole checked. I woke Dan up from a very much needed deep deep sleep just a few minutes ago as the clock rang 2:46 am and he assured me I was fine. Which means I’ll be able to sleep soundly for a few nights until I stress about something else. I will, I’m sure, get this mole checked out, but I really really really really need to beg you not to say I HAVE to get it checked out because I will have a bonafide heart attack!! I swear! Thank you!! So. Very. Much. Really.