Let’s get this out in the open, no elephants in the room, I have 11 kids. Yes, they are all mine, I gave birth to all of them, no, none of them are twins and yes, I know all their names (though between you and me I never get them right).
I’m aware that there is a segment of the population that thinks I’m crazy, certifiable even. Another segment that sees me as the single most detrimental threat to the survival of the planet. And yet another segment that is so incredibly grateful that it’s me with the 11 kids and not them that they say so out loud everytime we encounter each other. “Thank God it’s you and not me.” as if pregnancy is something you accidentally catch. Be forewarned that if you say something truly nasty, I’m just that much more determined to improve the world and make you a minority.
It blows my mind the comments that flow so easily out of normally well mannered individuals. Did you know that some people stare and point and count as we fill the aisles of the grocery store? Ha Ha Surely the fact that I get out of the house at all is astonishing to you, yet, leaving the house with more than one or two or three kids is inconceivable and with 11 — suicidal. Most of the time, read ALL the time, I simply want to get in and out, get whatever it is we are doing done and do it with the speed of light. Yet, this is not permitted. No, on the contrary. I am suddenly barraged with questions ranging from none of your business to downright intrusive. I’m left standing in an aisle with my mouth agape, kids run amok, and nothing intelligent, nothing but sounds emitting from my mouth.
Seriously, the minute I’m accosted my kids smell victim and they turn into monsters. They climb the walls, they eat the grapes, they lick strangers, they scream to the tune of “Mary Had a Little Lamb”. Then the curious one says, “I just don’t know how you do it.” To which I reply, in my best keeping it together, while gritting my teeth, “I’m NOT doing it right now.”
I truly respect those of you who are able to represent and evangelize for the cause when faced with such awkwardness. For those of you like me, who either say nothing or get nasty and turn the inquisition back on the socially inept questioner, “having kids keeps me young. You’re looking haggard, you should try it.”, I’ve come up with the solution. Index Cards. Yep. So as you are passing the gawkers, the counters, the questioners, the pointers, simply say, “Obviously I have my hands full, this should answer all your questions.” as you hand them the card!
The Life Saving Index Card FAQ’s:
Q: Wow, you’ve got your hands full, don’t you?
A: Why yes, thank you for noticing. Please help me get them all to the car and hold the baby, she’s leaking.
Q: What does your husband do?
A: OMGsh he works out ALL the time and if you ever saw him naked, you’d be surprised that I don’t have 35 kids!
Q: How do you afford that many children?
A: They totally pay for themselves. Between child labor & child tax credits we come out ahead every April!
Q: Don’t you know what causes that?
A: Yes, if it feels good, do it!
Q: How on earth do you do it?
A: Well, first you get naked, then you … (then say) You really don’t know?
Q: Are those ALL your kids?
A: No, I have 5 more at home.
Q: Are you done?
A: Heck no, we’re trying to catch up to the Duggars.
Q: Guess you don’t have cable.
A: HBO is our favorite channel.
Q: Did you always want a ton of kids?
A: No actually, this is my service to my country and the near bankruptcy of Social Security. Someone is going to have to pay in for you to collect, and since my kids will actually be responsible citizens, I was chosen…by Obama.
So, print this on your index cards (feel free to add or embellish), laminate them and keep them with you at all times. You could even employ your children in the handing out of the cards so your ninja-ness is not even slightly jarred. Stay in the groove, sister … you got it going on, you know what is important in this life and while you may not drive the sexiest car in the world, you may not have a designer kitchen, you do have the gift that keeps on giving … your countless blessings, your gifts from God. So this Thanksgiving, be sure to stop and give thanks, not for your things, not for your belongings, but for the grace of God that is implanted in your heart and soul. God Bless.
PS – In all honestly, for the most part, if you are kind and simply curious, ask away, I really don’t mind, in fact, it’s fun. =) If, however, you are a tree-hugging, save the planet, kill the humans, psycho liberal, I will break out in song and sing, “Jesus Loves the Little Children” … I’m just saying!!
Ahhhh, the questions (& yes, nasty comments!)!! My favorite was the lady in the Glenwood Walmart who told me I “should have my head examined!” And then became belligerent when I laughed her off! (I was expecting #6!) We have ‘counters’ too, makes me proud when my kids shout out, “there’s 10 of us!!” The kids & I have decided they’re jealous ~ people can’t envision a house filled with so much love! While I prefer the positive, supportive comments if making a rude remark about my beautiful family somehow makes their day go right ahead, but man up & say it to my face ~ and never in front of my kids!! And for the record ~ my 15 passenger van is plenty sexy, thank you very much!!!
You go with your sexy van!! =0 Mine is a senior citizen that really didn’t take very good care of herself … she is, however, BADASS with her racing stripes!! =0
It’s all in the accessories!! Mine’s been ‘decorated’ but Ohhh, Racings Stripes!! Maybe I should add Flames down the side!?! Since in order to ‘do it all’ as people say I do, requires that I drive like a bat outta hell!?!
oh no, not racing stripes, it has flames …. really!! we are just that cool.
Send pics, please!! Wud love to see the flames!! The kids were online trying to make custom ‘family stickers’ for the van & it ended up so long they got a pop-up that said “Sorry, exceeds average window size”! Um, we don’t have an ‘average’ van!!
i will text them to ya … they were pretty epic, but alas, as with everything around here, they’ve been somewhat destroyed!! =0 Fail on that website!! =0
I watch your show and follow your blog everyday. You are so funny and such a great writer, beautiful too. I don’t know how you stay so fit and young looking – I would guess 30 maybe, but I know that can’t be true. I have 4 kids and I get these comments all the time, but it is annoying to me, very condescending. Like I would ever walk up to a stranger and ask them if they only had 2 kids? I simply look them in the eye and say, “Why would you ask me such a deeply personal question.” And they are left standing their embarrassed. Keep vlogging and you have to blog more. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Thank you so much and OMGsh, 30? ha ha ha What an awesome thing to hear, you made my day!! ;0 Congratulations on your 4 blessings – Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.
OMG, no kidding. I’m a mom of 3 and get this all the time. I love your blog and your vlog!! Keep up the great work, would love to see you and your family on TV!
If people were really honest, I believe they are actually envious of you. You have a beautiful, well behaved, loving family. You seem to handle it all with ease and a sense of humor. I believe more parents wish they could do as great a job as you and Dan are obviously doing. I love watching Kelloggshow, wish you were on TV!!
Thank you Sue, we take everything you say to heart. We love you!!! xoxoxoxo PS – Wish we were on TV too!!! =0
Hilarious, I love it!
thank you!!! =0
Oh my Gosh, I love your family. I found your website looking for a list of clever responses to stupid questions about big families. This is the best post ever. My husband and I have 8 kids and I’m expecting in March 2012 — TWINS! You guys are so awesome, I’ve never seen a large family so full of life and so insanely active. Anyway, thanks for the post.
That’s awesome, so glad you found us. =))
Laughing Out Loud, thanks!
Glad to make ya laugh!!!!! =0
Awesome. Seriously. I have 6 kids and I hear this all the time. This was great and I really might try the sign! lol
Hi my friend! Just wanted to tell you this post is awesome!
There is no heaven or hell. You will die, open your eyes in a spirit world and commune with other spirits you have known for eternity. Then you will get another chance to live a life. This will go on and on until the game is over. Then A new game will start and we get to have a living existence maybe on another planet somewhere. Forever is a long long time. It is in our nature to get bored. Having an endless number of games where we start fresh and dumb ready to learn is the answer to preventing boredom
Both Clayton & I would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year for 2012. We love watching you guys on Youtube and we look forward to doing it all again in 2012.
With love and respect,
Joanne & Clayton.xxxxxxxxxxxxx’s ooooooooooooo’s
Joanne & Clayton … Merry Christmas … praying for God’s love and protection for you both in 2012!! We believe we are extra blessed to have met you and wish you all the best!! Much MUCH love from us all!!!!
Hi there! I just started following you guys on Twitter and YouTube. You have an awesome life. I would love to have a big family when I am married.
I love your blog. You’re witty, cute, caring and adorable. Awesome family!
Ha ha ha – this is so great. I’m sharing. I love your family!
Ha Ha Ha — Great article.
Awesome, so funny.
I just forwarded this to y wife, she will enjoy – we have 2 children and she gets these comments all the time.
Unbelievably funny. Ha, shared this with my sister who has 8 kids!! Great family you guys have!