First, I want to thank every single person who went down on their knees, who prayed or even thought about us in the last 10 days. So many of you emailed, messaged, even texted us to let us know you were praying and cared.
For that, there really are no words adequate enough to come close to how hopeful and covered in prayer you made us feel. You helped ease what was surely one of the scariest times of my life.
And so, I owe you an update, it’s the least I can do …
Today I’m devastated to tell you that we lost our beloved baby. He (or she) has joined all the angels and saints in the Kingdom of Heaven. He still lives. He will never know pain or sadness, fear or loneliness. He now stands before the throne of God as our personal intercessor. He is truly innocent and perfect.
I guess it’s incredibly selfish of me, but what I would have done to have him in my arms. Me protecting him. Me, loving him, cherishing him.
But that was not meant to be. The scan yesterday showed nothing at all. It’s as if I was never pregnant now. Where a mere week ago I saw a tiny little baby with a flicker of a heartbeat, today all of that is gone.
I’m devastated, really. Shocked. Completely broken. I can barely breathe as I’m writing this. I want to tell you I’m fine, that none of this matters, but I can’t. Am I being uncharacteristically dramatic? Am I over-reacting? Maybe. But, I want to scream, I want someone to blame. I want to hide until I’ve no more tears left. I really really want my baby back.
Where I find myself today is in stark contrast to hope. It’s dark, desolate and lonely. It’s so very painful and I can’t pretend I’m not angry, and that I don’t feel abandoned, because I do. I most certainly feel as though our constant pleading and begging fell on deaf ears.
But I also know God is in control, and not in the “everything happens for a reason” way because that’s always offered in a cheerful, don’t worry about it, God wanted this and so you have to trust His way…
This is simply, God is in control. And while I’m angry, heartbroken, hurt, deeply saddened, suffering and shaken, I will still praise Him. I still love Him.
I don’t understand. I’ll never understand, not ever. But, I will work on being thankful that God heard our pleas to protect and keep our baby safe … I just had the desire for that to happen here, on earth.
He, however, doesn’t think so small.
So, again, thank you for you time, your prayers, your thoughts and words of encouragement.
“I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.” — Mother M. Angelica